And the adventure continues...

Despite the emotional week this past week, life continues and has been interesting as always. Well, I'm done with my streak of day shift (I'm actually VERY excited about a break in 5:30am alarms!!!) and am starting 10-12 hr nightshifts. Though at home I was tiring of nightshift, a month of days has left me ready for my "native" night shifts!!! Last night the sick little girl I cared for (who could definitely use your prayers!) was fighting pneumonia and all of the breathing equipment, monitor wires, and IV lines that goes with it!!! She could teach crocodiles a thing or two about their death roll (where they grab their prey and then roll continuously in one direction until they've caught and killed it). She's definitely the pro! She slept for about 5minutes at a time and would thrash, pull at equipment and tumble ALL over the bed the rest of the time! Then she would wear out, settle down, cuddle and sleep for about another 5 minutes, then be awake and thrashing again! And she would roll in one direction, wrapping her oxygen and IV lines all around her! And she ends up in the most unusual positions I have ever seen someone sleep in! Despite the busyness and frequent feeling of fighting a wildcat, I enjoyed my time with her immensely! She could use your prayers, though, as she heals from her surgery and recovers from her pneumonia.

It's been a very emotional week and a half and tiring--God's been dealing with me and teaching me some amazing truths that I've known in my head but am learning to apply (I will come back to these); praying through the spiritual warfare and needs of little Hubert and his family; dealing with the emotions of that experience with other staff members; and dealing with some other personal, emotional issues and difficult decisions--I started this week very emotionally drained but spiritually full. Several years ago now, I promised the Lord that He could use me up and pour me out as much as He wanted to as long as I had the assurance that I was doing what He wanted me to do. He reminded me of that yesterday and assured me that in all of it, I had been obedient and pleasing to Him! A very reassuring feeling! I'd had a picture in my mind that showed how I felt--a clay pot that had held water, smashed to smithereens and lying in a puddle of the water that it had contained, surrounded by the flowers that had grown by being watered there! I know that God used me, but I felt so used up and exhausted and unable to do much more than lay in the spot I ended up in! As I was crying with some other nurses as we grieved together, crying for the pain of the family and of the staff members around me, I had the funny picture of becoming a very leaky sieve that was trying in vain to keep from losing all of it's contents!!! Despite the circumstances, I had to laugh at that picture!

A very good friend here on board offered a listening ear and caring shoulder to unload these things on and it helped so much. It had all already been turned over to God but the weariness of it was lifted in talking and praying with her! She reminded me that we are not given others' burdens so that we may carry them but that we can let others' burdens be lifted through us to God. She used the word "conduit" and reminded me of copper wire which is an electrical conduit. The copper wire has electricity zinging along it all the time but is not burnt up. In the same way, we are to allow others' burdens to pass through us to God. He is the One who actually will carry that burden for us. I can not keep it. Thanks so much, Deb! I know I tried, but words can not describe how much I appreciated you taking the time for me! Last night, going back to work after a day off, I felt put back together and ready to go again.

As for the lessons God's been teaching me this week, it all really boils down to seeing and believing that God loves me and how completely His grace gives freedom to live and enjoy my day. My only responsibility--everyone's only responsibility--is to respond to the prompting of God's Holy Spirit, resting in the grace that will cover me if/when I mess up. That's it. Everything else is God's to work and to do. It really is that simply. Not always easy. But always that simple. Even in the disciplines of the christian life, they are mine to do in response to the Holy Spirit's work and prompting in my heart.

He's also been answering some of my questions of dealing with sin--the difference between having sin that seems to constantly be present and sin that is a part of someone's life. The Bible tells us clearly in several places that God is holy and cannot tolerate sin in His presence. He also gives dire warnings for those who choose sin over Him and how He will turn His back on them. So because I keep doing this particular sin, does that mean that I can not be in His presence? Does that mean that He will not listen to or acknowledge me? And how can we, as humans who are never going to be free from our sinful natures until heaven, be right with God and still have these sin natures? The answer is in God's love and our resonse to that love. Just like I learned a few years back about fear--fear is a natural emotion and okay to have. But the moment it can be named as fear, it becomes a sin because we recognize that we are not trusting God's sovereignty and care. As soon as it is apparent as sin, we must humble ourselves and confess it as sin to God, asking His forgiveness. Then, out of His all encompassing love, His grace extends complete forgiveness and the righteousness of Jesus Himself to cover us! Then we're clean in His sight. The tendancy (nature) for sinning is there, but the sin itself that separates us from God is removed and will never be counted against us again! Wow! Now that's truly amazing!